After the Gun
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 12:00PM by Patrick Cummings
His name was Brett and he was the fastest kid I ever knew. He was shorter than I was, and lighter. He never seemed to get tired. He ran the 400-meter race every meet, and that confused me. I didn’t understand anybody who would want to do that. Every time he did, though, I was relieved. If he ran the 400, then it meant he couldn’t run the 200, and that was my race.
Senior year in high school, I only lost the 200 was when he was in it. I couldn’t catch him.
The end of the season came, and our team of athletic misfits gathered in the center of the track for the league championship meet. A few hours later, I was setting my blocks for the 200-meter final. Twenty-two and a half seconds after the gun, I crossed the line ahead of everybody else.
Call it hubris if you like, but there was never any question in my mind as to what the result would be. Over my entire athletic career, the only moments of clear, unquestioned confidence came at the start of that event. They were the kind of moments where nervousness somehow transforms into energy instead of dread. The kind of moments where your body is light and your mind uncluttered. The kind of moments I never felt when Brett lined up beside me.
No matter how many races I won, I never believed I could beat Brett. And so I never did.
And that’s a hard habit to break.
From the first CrossFit workout I hit, and almost every subsequent one since, I knew where I would finish before the clock ever started. I never thought I could win, and so I've finished lower far more often than I have higher.
High school track and field long gone, it’s been awhile since I've felt that unquestioning confidence. Years away from organized sports have dulled my desire to win, and my inability to transcend my own muted expectations have left my progress stagnant in the gym.
I never beat Brett because I knew I never could. I didn’t let him make me better. Instead, I felt sorry for myself. I settled for being good rather than the best. And as a result, I never grew as an athlete.
I’ve watched this video fifteen times now, and every time I do, I am amazed at something. Something other than Usain Bolt and his new world record. It comes at the end of the video, while Bolt takes his victory lap.
The camera finds Tyson Gay, second place in the race and amongst the few men on this planet even remotely in the same league as the Jamaican. The race is over and the results are on the board. Bolt runs a 9.58, Gay a 9.71. With a slightly injured groin, Gay sets the American record and runs the third fastest time ever recorded.
The camera finds Gay, and though we can’t see his face, the gesture he makes is familiar to us all. It’s one of disappointment.
Instead of lining up next to the 6’5” Bolt and thinking, “I’m just going to try and beat everybody else,” he went after the top dog. And because he did, he ran faster than he ever had before.
You can’t learn confidence, but you can earn it. Gay may have lost that race, but he knows he can go faster. He knows what it feels like, and it’s that feeling that he’ll be chasing every race, whether Bolt lines up beside him or not.
I never let Brett make me faster, and I haven’t let James Hobart or Stacey Kroon make me faster, even though I line up with them for every WOD. My progress is minimal and slow and I have grown impatient with it.
I lost my competitive fire not because I’ve stopped wanting to be the best, but because I stopped wanting to be disappointed when I was proved anything less. I have forgotten the single most important lesson we learn from CrossFit: Through struggles, to the stars.
I have beaten James at exactly one workout over the past year and change. It’s time I finally went after the big dog.
Picture of Kevin Williams and Jay Swift, battling it out at a recent CrossFit Endurance cert in Milford. They were doing "Death by 10 Meters". Picture courtesy of the author.
Reader Comments (11)
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I have been doing this to myself for the past 8 months or so...and my times have show it, my lack of impressive PR's have shown it. It is time to step up my game as well. Thank you for a wonderful post. Now I must go share it with my friends!!!
wow, I just did this today. Thanks for this article, I needed a kick in the pants today. Now go get Hobo and kill it!
Very well written and introspective. I can relate as well as anyone else. Competitive days gone and only myself to prove anything to, it's easy to lay low under the radar. Aside from that I want to crush me, physically and mentally on all that I do in CF. Does it happen often? Nope.
Will I die trying, oh yeah! Every WOD I do, whether it's HQ's or my own WOD I need to nail it hard. I bleed, I swear (*not out loud) and internally implode. One day I will come up on top. I have some permanent injuries that hinder my progress, but it is what it is and at times I let that control me less often. I know it will hurt, and it drives me even more than before.
I reach not for perfection in the WOD, I go for surviving and conquering as the gnawing dog on the last bone in the bowl with other dogs around that are starving for more. Scars will fade, ego's will shatter but I will come out on top.
You guys rock, keep up the great work and go at it some more.
Great article! I was actually looking for the video on usain bolt after I heard about him on the radio.. very inspirational.... Thank you so much!
I Like this post a lot guys.
''I lost my competitive fire not because I’ve stopped wanting to be the best, but because I stopped wanting to be disappointed when I was proved anything less.''
Hot quote. First time here and i don't think it will be the last
Shaun
SFB
I'll be doing sprints today, this evening!!!
So introspective...I have been doing Crossfit for only 8 weeks and I realize that I have already 'placed' myself in the pack mentally...no more...watch out!
Awesome post, Jon. Using a better athlete to spur you on will yield results!
I keep telling myself that.
I'm not a member at cross fit yet, and I know only a little about it, but one thing I get from the article and the
comments are that the workouts themselves are competitve. I like to compete, and run, and have fun in competitive sports.
But in my workouts, I like to be "inside myself". I don't like to be disturbed, I don't like people barking at me.
When running I like to feel the freedom, the sensation that I'm flying almost, when my legs are pumping harder
and moving faster than at any other time during the day. It's another head space.
I have my day job for being under the gun, for having to meet other peoples standards, and for feeling inadequite (though rarely)
for not meeting for goals. For my workouts, I like to create an island of tranquility and oasis of peace.
Most likely this isn't the crossfit mentality. I'm certainly never going to be a top athlete. However, I also find
that I can grow according to how my feelings lead me. So I am rarely at odds with myself. Would I perhaps have
acheived more and be better by now, if I had subjected myself to daily WODs? Perhaps I would.
But at this moment, I'm not sure if I really want to introduce the notion of competition into my workouts,
even against myself. Has anywone dealt with this issue before?
Thanks!
Great aritcle! Do you use music when you run? I know I can't get on a treadmill without some fresh beats and a motivating vocal track. I've been using the 99 cent workouts on http://www.highenergyfitness.com and I just can't get enough of it! They have thousands of workouts. I've been using them for a year, saved hundreds on a gym membership, and haven't been bored on the treadmill ever since.
Such an inspiration. Thank you so much for that article, that was the kick in the butt/groin I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and settling for something less than I deep deep inside know I am worthy/capable of. We grow through risks and we excel through hard work.
It reminds me of that clip in Rocky Balboa when Wocky and his son are having an argument. Yowza!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uASVzkrEKgs
/Lola